Maybe you never considered yourself a bully, a batterer or an abuser before, but maybe you are — to yourself. The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts. Being overly critical of yourself is like having a relentless, inescapable bully who follows you everywhere you go and abuses you. The worst part about this type of bully is that you can't get rid of them, because you can't get rid of yourself. But you can reform yourself and you can evolve yourself. You have to reach out to your inner-abuser and make peace. You can't live your life as your own worst enemy! Go to a mirror, look yourself in the eye and make peace with yourself. Commit this day to putting your self-hatred and unreasonable doubts and fears behind you, once and for all. You are your own essential ally. Get right with yourself. When that inner-voice of doubt whispers against you, have a firm but sweet conversation with yourself, and exert your faith. Healing is a process and could take some time, but begin convincing yourself of your worthiness — no more abuse! Deep in your heart, you know you are good. Your heart knows you are deserving. Your heart knows you are worthy. Your heart knows you are capable. Every word you speak is a prayer, or meditation of reinforcement which creates permanence. Speak kindly to and of yourself. When the voices of doubt start whispering, turn-up the volume of faith and listen to your heart.
There is nothing worse than a treacherous, backstabbing double-talker running you down. It is hard to believe it when we have been treated with such disloyalty. Betrayal by those we trust can send us boiling into a panic of anxiety and pain. Just imagine a close friend or relative talking behind your back and whispering about your failures; prognosticating your doom and undermining your best efforts to lift yourself up. This bully is well informed and knows all of your past mistakes, and knows how to use those mistakes against you — a two-faced bully with a tongue like a switch-blade knife. Even worse, what do you do when the traitor is a very close relative; so closely related, that in fact, the betrayer — is you? That's right, you; the voice in your head that's whispering, "you aren't good enough; you don't deserve it and you can't!" Maybe the self-inflicted battering is a more subtle, "what will people think?" Or perhaps it's a whisper of procrastination to just, "try later, there's always tomorrow." Then there is the foulest pummeling; a total beat-down of, "You're fat. You're stupid. You're a loser. I hate myself! I wish I were dead!"
The most dangerous negativity comes from ourselves in the form of doubts, fears and unreasonable self-criticisms. Excessive self-criticism is a bad habit and is extraordinarily self-destructive. Don't be your own worst enemy! Imagine a bully who points out all the things you have done in your past, such as mistakes you've made and even future things that you "allegedly" cannot do or accomplish. This type of unreasonable self-criticism represents a form of self-hatred and fear.
A real problem you may encounter when you are trying to change your life often comes from old friends and family who only know and accept the "older you" and not the person you are striving to become. A lot of people are not really evolving themselves, and some of these people don't like it when they see someone from their social peer group advancing, and maybe even doing better than them. So, these people will sometimes be quick to point out something negative you may have done in the past, or they may bring up a negative behavior when you "slip-up" while you are working on yourself. Sometimes these people can even encourage the old negative behavior you are trying to eliminate, because they enjoy that part of you, or they may even secretly, or sub-consciously, want to see you fail. You want to avoid all messages that reinforce your old patterns, whether those reinforcements come from yourself, or from others.
There are many reasons why people become "stuck" in their development. One common problem is habitual thought patterns and the self stories that people tell. For example, some people have stories from their past experiences that they tell over and over again when they meet new people. This may be a story about a challenge they faced, or some terrible event that happened to them, or maybe even a repetitive story from their youth, about rebellion, pranks or trouble. Sometimes these stories involve interpersonal drama in the form of social, relationship or family "war stories." They tell these stories repeatedly without noticing that these stories reinforce a part of their old self (or lower self) that does not represent the person they presently desire to be. So, an important part of becoming your best self is being very careful about your self-talk and self-stories. These stories, though seemingly harmless, represent a form of self-hypnosis. Negative self-talk and negative affirmation can keep you anchored in old thought patterns and identities. My advice for everyone is to carefully analyze the old stories that you choose to perpetually tell, for these are really life-long meditations. If those stories are negative or not supportive of the vision you have for your future self, it would be wise to quit telling those stories completely. Instead, develop new stories from new positive experiences and relationships — the experiences of your emerging new self! Resist at all cost telling your old negative stories.
At the very basic level all people are creators. We are all creating at every moment. Sometimes we are creating positive experiences and sometimes we unfortunately create negative experiences for ourselves and others. We all want something out of life and it is very natural that people want to create, re-create and continue to develop themselves. It is natural and healthy to want to enhance your creative skills and abilities so that you can access your own version of joy and abundance. The problem for many people is that they get stuck in old, negative patterns. Now, I talk a lot about what I call the beautiful path, in which I encourage people to adopt a lifestyle of positive life patterns. The problem that some people run into, is that they are not able to easily escape their old negative patterns because they are habituated to a certain type of thinking. Most healthy people innately want to be their best possible self. Every person wants to advance in life and be surrounded by beauty, prosperity, abundance, and most of all, love. However, many people find that when they attempt to advance themselves, they slip back into their old, negative patterns and behaviors. Why?
Stop always wanting to please and not disappoint others. Sure, you may disappoint others, but their disappointment is totally irrelevant. What matters are your standards for yourself. What matters is how you feel about yourself. Being disappointed with yourself is useless, unless it is attached to an intention to take action and create personal change. What matters is if you can see yourself. You can't move forward unless you can see yourself. You can't move forward with the same poor vision and inner-dialogue that put you where you are now. See yourself honestly. Set new and better standards for yourself. Do it for you, to please yourself, and with absolute disregard for other's approval or acceptance. Cast out your negative self-talk and limiting beliefs. A pessimist's first position is doubt and they are surprised if they succeed. An optimist's first position is confidence and they are surprised if they fail. Quit making excuses, quit denigrating yourself and quit lying to yourself about your lack of ability. Tell the truth; you can, you will and you are. You are not going to move forward unless you firmly commit yourself to change. You must be stubborn about what you can do, not stubborn about why you can't. Be adamant about your standards. To really change requires violating certain parts of yourself, cooperating with other parts, and creating new behaviours. What are you waiting for? Empowerment happens when you face the profound responsibility you have for your own life.
You know how your old entrenched bad habits harm you. You know how your negative self-talk and limiting beliefs continue to paralyze you. You know how you have talked about "change" and "working on yourself" forever, but it never seems to happen. No more procrastinating. No more excuses! Your will has to be stronger than your excuses. Your will has to be stronger than your fear. Nothing great was ever built on excuses. You can't whine your way through life. Kick your inner-whiner's ass and get to living the good life. Abandon your excuses and fears, and move forward. Don't be afraid of failure. Don't fool yourself — everyone fails constantly. Failure is an essential part of the success process. Embrace it. When you make a mistake or something doesn't turn-out right, just say, "I'm practicing imperfection." Successful people fail more! Fail, learn, recover, regroup and retry. Practice being at peace with imperfection and even enjoying it. You may have made some mistakes, but your life is not a mistake; it's a miracle. Change takes time. It takes time for the seeds to begin growing within, time to understand and process, time for the growth to mature, and time for the old self to die and fall away. Do it now and do it for you!
Even when people are clearly toxic and abusive, people will argue over cutting them off and getting them out of their life. You don't need a reason to move someone out of your life. A person doesn't need to be toxic to get rid of them. You can get rid of any person for any reason. It doesn't matter if they are a saint. If you don't like their "vibe" or you are uncomfortable, or feeling that they are out-of-sync with your life path, you have the right to let them go. Being a gatekeeper in your own life is crucial. Who you ally yourself with is always the paramount consideration of your life. Learning to move people out the rings of your concentric circles quickly and neatly is a vital skill. Protect your energy and reserve the nucleus of your inner-circle for those with whom you share a rare destiny. There is hardly anything more limiting or more empowering than who you allow to stay in your life. Get over the guilt or be a slave to guilt; it's your choice.
It's not judging to have eyes. It's not judging to know something. You don't have to walk in someone else's shoes to see they are about to walk off a cliff. If you see someone about to walk off a cliff, yell and stop them. You can judge in service without out a haughty or arrogant heart. You were born to judge just as you were born to think. Your whole life is a series of judgements and adjustments. Don't let people batter you from the bully-pulpit about judging to the point that you suppress your common sense. They are not holier than you because they call their judging "discernment." Don't listen to "non-judgers," who judge your judgement; it's hypocritical hogwash. We judge people constantly. We were born to judge. You can judge a behaviour without condemning a soul. Someone's salvation is out of your jurisdiction but once they have opened their mouth the invitation to judge is irretractable. People often use the "judgement card" to hide when you are getting too close to the truth for comfort. Hang on to your judgement. Good judgement will keep you safe. Good judgement can and does save lives. Don't be afraid of your rightful power to judge others. Judging is one of your most powerful tools you have to protect those you care about, and yourself, from harm.
