I promise you, that when you reach out to those you need to forgive, it is you that will be touched and healed. When you give others a new chance, a new chance is really being given to you. Let the power of forgiveness bless you and heal your agony and pain.
The best part, is when you do forgive, even selfishly, for yourself and your own sanity, and not because 'they' deserve it, something magical happens. You see, forgiveness, no matter how painful or difficult, is a gift. Forgiveness — is for giving. But the gift of forgiveness is a treasure that multiplies the more you try to spend it. Forgiveness blesses both the hand of the recipient and the giver. Forgiveness, no matter your motive, is a dynamic of mutual healing.
A good place to begin, is to forgive yourself for judging in the first place. Forgiveness is another way of saying, "I need to mind my own business." We all know we should not judge. We know judging others is usually unproductive — even when we are right. People are going to do bad things we don't like — even terribly hurtful things. If you try to hold people to your standard of conduct you will go mad with disappointment and grief. Forgiveness is not a magnanimous act of generosity and benevolence toward others. Forgiveness does not make you great, special or good. But forgiveness can help you to be sane. Through forgiveness you can be free of the tragedies and pain in other people's failures.
Be selfish in your forgiving. Forgive for yourself and for the peace it will bring to your pain. Forgiveness has very little to do with the other person. Forgiveness is about your peace of mind. When you don't forgive, you are the one who suffers. When we refuse to forgive someone, we deeply jeopardize our own well-being. When we condemn others we condemn ourselves. When we judge and agonize over another's faults, we become attached to their imbalance and sickness. When we hold-on to someone's imperfections we become emotionally pair-bonded to their maladies. At a deeper level, when we constantly meditate on another's faults, it may be because we are neglecting our own unhealed wounds.
Beneath your burdensome regrets and who you think you are through the lens of past mistakes, there is someone beautiful who wants to emerge. You are not your mistakes, and your mistakes are not you. You are so much more than your mistakes. Allow your truth to emerge. Your truth cannot emerge buried under a mountain of guilt and regret. Your past is like a bag of bricks; set it down and walk away. Quit collecting every painful word, memory, and mistake. Collect hope. Hope is lighter!
You have to make the decision to let go of the past if you want to move forward. Reliving your painful past will poison your heart and your tomorrow. If you look at today through the eyes of the past, you can never see what the present moment has to offer. Beating yourself up over every perceived mistake is the work of an internal abuser who must be restrained and reformed. The past is inaccessible. Almost all sadness comes from thinking about the past, and all worry from thinking about the future — present-mindedness is your only safe haven. Only in the present is your mind free to do what it does best — solve problems. The easiest way to leave the past behind is to remember that love does not live in the past, only memories — love lives in the present.
Oftentimes, our guilt over failing or disappointing someone exists only in our own minds. We torture ourselves senselessly over perceptions that others are judging us, when in reality they are not. Even worse, we brutalize ourselves over circumstances that are clearly beyond our control. Painful things happen in life. The fires of remorse, regret and guilt burn over us through our mourning, but only to make way for the new growth of life after our painful losses. Your suffering is there to inspect you and perfect you. We are made complete by our pain.
Even if you were terrible and injured people, you need to move forward and take care of yourself first. You can't do the best work on yourself if you are under the constant scrutiny of negativity and hatred. An atmosphere of guilt, blame and judgement is not a safe emotional space that fosters recovery. Someone's forgiveness will not heal you; condemnation or absolution is their test, not yours. Choose healing and inner-peace over guilt. Set down the pain. Walk away and work on yourself first. When you are at peace, resolved and strong you can reach out and begin to make reparations. Paralyzing guilt will not serve anyone's interest. Start thinking of your guilt as being selfish, because guilt blocks opportunities from arriving for you, and for those you care about.
Sometimes we have trouble letting go of the past so that we can forgive ourselves. Finding inner-resolution can be even more complicated when the past we are trying to free ourselves from involves having hurt someone. At times, all of us have been the wrongdoers or have somehow been neglectful, which comes with its own unique suffering. This seems to be the mandate of the conscience: when we harm others we harm ourselves; when we help others we help ourselves. When we have harmed someone or disappointed them, they may be angry with us and it's natural for us to feel anguish over this. But don't have unreasonable or excessive guilt. Guilt can interfere with our desires to move forward, to heal properly and to become a person who has the mental health and means of proper recompense.
Self-doubts, feeling unworthy, rejection, and past injuries can churn in us with a low-boil of anxiety. Who would you be without your self-judgments and the baggage of your past mistakes in tow with you at all times? Learning your lesson from a mistake is healthy, but living forever in the emotions of your past mistakes is toxic and debilitating. The problem with traumatic, high-stress experiences is that they often create negative beliefs about oneself such as being powerless, unlovable, undeserving, unsafe and that things are unchangeable. Sometimes we resist letting go because we just can't see a way to move forward — believing things can never change for someone as unworthy as us. Be careful not to identify yourself with your past — you have a past, but it is not who you are today.
